February 2012
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Why NYC Drivers Get Away With Murder
As Gothamist writes in this maddening report, the NYPD essentially refuses to investigate hit and run cases.
I’ve biked in New York for over five years. I’ve been punched, doored, threatened with death, called homophobic slurs, and have almost died too many times to count due to the carelessness (and inebriation) of drivers. Compared to my friends’ accident stories, I’m...
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NYC sewage Plant offering Valentine's Day tours
“It’s a unique date, and one they’ll never forget,” said plant superintendent Jim Pynn.
I’m sure they won’t.
(via Daily News)
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Today I’ve seen: a woman on the D train platform urinate on a subway map stand and then wink at me as she pulled her pants up, a crushed plastic bag full of ground beef in the middle Bergen street, and a pug wearing toe shoes. My horoscope was right!
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January 2012
6 posts
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Air Bud: Glory Days
Last week, I wrote a sequel to Air Bud on Twitter. Here are the tweets in chronological order, for posterity, and in case you don’t already follow me.
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Regarding My Candidacy
I wrote a humor piece for Splitsider, in which I renounce my candidacy for president:
What I meant to say was that it’s my own private concern whether I’m “faithful” to my cancer-addled wife, if I have one lovechild or several, if I have sexually harassed my parole officer, and if I lead a double life as Juan Montezuma, a distinguished dry-cleaning magnate from Houston, Texas.
Read it here.
December 2011
7 posts
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My Favorite Songs of 2011
Here’s a Spotify playlist of my favorite songs of 2011. I hope you like it.
Many of these songs were released years ago, and many are old favorites that I had apparently forgotten about, only to rediscover them this year. I spent a good portion of the year listening to all of the “1001 Albums,” and many of the selections reflect this project.
Regarding the methodology of...
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November 2011
6 posts
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Imagined Dialogue From 'Rent,' of Which I Have...
“Oh no, our rent is due!”
“You damn kids are late with your rent!”
“Our landlord is so bellige-rent!”
“Do you need a U-Haul to rent?”
“I hate living with my pa-rents!”
“Rent, rent, rent, rent, rent!”
“I have AAAAIDS!”
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Climactic Scenes From As Yet Unpublished Celebrity...
Bored of the Rings “Sitting on his porch, in the eve of another trying day, Mr. T realized that — through his entire career — the only fool he was pitying was myself.”
Miracle On The Hudson? A Sullen Sullenberger “Chelsea Sullenberger sat isolated in his dark mansion, emptying a warm bottle of Jack. Disillusioned by fame, he wished he had crashed the plane.”
I...
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October 2011
9 posts
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Lament of a Lonely Zamboni Driver
I wrote this for McSweeney’s:
You may have heard that Zamboni operators, as a group, are nimble lotharios, keen to anonymous sex. That we are famous for our post-match methamphetamine-fueled orgies. But what if I told you the opposite could be true? That perched atop that sluggish vessel, riding along the unfeeling ice, is a fallible romantic with a warm beating heart?
It’s a true...
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Napoleon's Junk
And you might find yourself in a bar at 2 a.m. using your phone to search “Napoleon’s penis size” to settle an argument, ultimately finding something much more interesting:
When Napoleon died in exile on the island of St. Helena in 1821, his doctor surreptitiously took his penis during the autopsy and gave it to a priest, who smuggled it to Corsica. The priest was killed in a...
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Four Examples of Idiocy on Facebook
I took these screengrabs from my Facebook feed a while ago, and forgot about them until today. I find myself unable to hide these people. They’re personifications of freeway accidents; I can’t look away.
This one was posted on 9/11:
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New York is a Horrifying Cauldron of Murder
On Tuesday, I returned home from a relaxing two week vacation. After putting my suitcase down, I opened my curtains to find:
A dead bird dangling from a coaxial cable, its leg trapped in a tangled piece of string.
Cutting this tiny dead bird free with scissors was like a really depressing version of “Operation.”
But I had a great vacation.
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September 2011
10 posts
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Topical Comedy Cycle
1) Something happened!
2) Misguided or sketchy gut reactions
3) Brilliant jokes are written, and go viral
4) Hack jokes are written, and go viral
5) Repeat and stolen jokes appear
6) Jokes about being sick of reading jokes about the topic
7) Unintentionally offensive jokes explained in blog essays
8) Jokes about everyone caring about something trivial
9) Late night talk shows repeat the...
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August 2011
9 posts
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